Having sound connections comes simple to certain individuals. Until the end of us, they're probably as simple a slobbering third-grader attempting to breeze through an astronomy test. In addition to the fact that we put have ourselves in a position to fall flat, we miss the mark on point of view to try and know where to start in making sound, cherishing connections in our lives.
Thus, through a ton of experimentation on my end (and I mean, a ton), I've assembled a completely too-geeky yet beautiful educational manual for creating sound connections.
NOW LET`S BEGINS
All healthy relationship poses 3 core components as follow
1.mutual affection
2.mutual trust
3.mutual respect
We’ll cover each component in more detail throughout this article, but briefly, here’s what they look like in a healthy relationship
Affection in healthy relationships is freely given and received. Healthy couples don’t need to remind themselves to show their partner that they love and appreciate them. They just do. And the recipient receives affection with affection rather than turning it away or taking it for granted. If physical contact and sex are important for the relationship, each person engages enthusiastically (of course, no one will always be “in the mood,” but for the most part, this should hold true).
Trust in each other means you take each other at your word. If one person says they’re going to do something, the other person assumes they’ll do as they say. If someone makes a mistake, the other person expects them to be honest and tell them. In fact, trust really just comes down to each
person being completely honest with the other, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Respect in the relationship means that you both hold each other in high regard. When you respect someone, you admire them for certain qualities they possess and/or the character they embody.
Love Is a Result of a Sound Relationship, Not the most ideal Starting point for It
Notice that love is not a core component of a healthy relationship. This comes as shock to a lot of people when they hear me say it. How could this even be possible?
Well, first consider the fact that you can love someone who is absolutely terrible for you. People stay in horrible, toxic, even abusive relationships because they love each other.
And it’s not that they’ve simply convinced themselves that they love the other person, they actually do love them. You can love a friend or relative who’s addicted to drugs or alcohol, even when they’re hurting you and everyone else around them. Children can love their neglectful and even abusive parents. So in much the same way, we can love a partner who’s terrible for us.
Without anyone else, love isn't sufficient to support a relationship. Love isn't the explanation two individuals ought to remain in a relationship. All things considered, valid, unqualified love is the great result of two individuals making a solid bond with one another.
Losing One Core Component Erodes the Others
So with that proviso — that affection isn't sufficient to support a relationship — we should go to how a solid relationship can start to separate. Then, we'll see the way broken connections might perhaps be fixed.
I refer to these three characteristics of a relationship as "center" parts since they make up the genuine groundwork of the relationship. Furthermore, very much like a groundwork of a structure, in the event that one part vacillates, the others before long follow.
For instance, assuming your accomplice starts to keep warmth in your relationship, it will probably prompt a disintegration of trust. You could ask why the unexpected change? Could it be said that they are peering toward or in any event, seeing another person? Is it true or not that they are truly more intrigued by the postal carrier than they say they are? Is some kind of problem with me?
This can ultimately cause either of you to lose regard for each other: your accomplice becomes awkward with all the re-thinking and begins to uncertainty your "strength" as an accomplice (regardless of whether that is an exact evaluation). Furthermore, presently, after the entirety of your re-thinking, you're triple-speculating whether you picked a decent accomplice — you've lost regard for each other.
Another model: say your accomplice joins what, as far as you might be concerned, is obviously a make easy money fraudulent business model. So far, you've regarded their knowledge and reasonability. That regard has now taken a blow as you question your own judgment of them.
This makes you need entrust in them with monetary choices (and perhaps different choices also). Their drawn out possibilities as an accomplice are raised doubt about: Will they go with moronic monetary choices not too far off? Will I become involved with those awful choices? Consider the possibility that we get hitched and have children — might they at any point use sound judgment for our loved ones.
As may be obvious, when you lose one of the center parts of a sound relationship, a descending winding results.
Fortunately the winding can work in the other bearing too.
Every relationship, at some point, is bound to run into problems with one or more of these core components. Two different types of things tend to happen when there is a breakdown: either a) one or both people change or b) mistakes are made.
If One or Both People Change…
And I don’t mean they change their hairstyle or what they eat for breakfast. I mean real-deal, identity-level changes.
Maybe your partner finds religion and decides to devote a lot of their time to the church/temple/mosque. If you’re not religious, this will certainly create tension in the relationship.
Maybe you decide that the world is going to hell and you’re going to devote all of your time to preparing for doomsday by building a bunker in the backyard and stockpiling guns and food. If your partner isn’t prone to this lifestyle, they’ll understandably start to question being with you.
Identity-level changes like these tend to make people lose respect for the other person. Something you admired about them is either gone, not very important to them anymore, or replaced with something you don’t respect as much as they do. This creates a vacuum of respect in the relationship.
I’ll be blunt: it’s very hard to overcome these sorts of issues in the relationship. But if you’re willing to work with them and their new identity, you’re going to have to find new sources of respect in the relationship.
If they’ve turned religious and you used to admire their secular, humanistic worldview, you might find a way to still respect their compassion for others.
If they decided to go full-blown, hippie-dippie, tree-hugging vegan and you just love to eat meat and drive a gas-guzzling monster truck to get groceries, well—I don’t know what the fuck you two are doing together, but maybe you can respect their recycling habit?
The point is that any respect that was lost in the transformation of one person must be made up in some way or another.
No one is perfect. I know that’s obvious, but it bears repeating because sometimes our standards for others are just not reasonable.
At any rate, when legitimate mistakes are made, trust in the relationship is violated.
Whatever mistake was made,a few things need to happen for the relationship to be fully restored:
- Give it some time. The sting of the mistake just naturally wears off with time. If you fucked up, give the other person some space to process the situation. If they fucked up, tell them you need a little time to think it over.
- Make sure it’s a one-time mistake. Acknowledging your mistake is one thing, but being responsible and accountable for it by committing to not doing it again shows the other person you’re serious about the relationship. Repeat offenders—when it’s something that truly threatens the relationship—should be avoided at all costs.
- The other person must be open to forgiveness (eventually). Even if some time has passed and the person who made the mistake has given an honest, true effort to never do it again, it doesn’t mean that the “victim” must be willing to forgive them.
Now, mistakes vary in degree and severity and, therefore, vary in how easily they’re overcome.
Minor mistakes—like snide comments made at the wrong time or forgetting to run an errand for the other person—usually take very little time to get over, they’re easily avoided in the future, and easily forgiven by the other person.
Bigger mistakes will take a lot more work on both ends of the relationship. You’ll have to ask yourself if it’s truly worth it (and be brutally honest in your answer).
One of the most common types of questions I get is about relationships. They always have a backstory to tell, a moment when they realized things weren’t going all that smoothly, a specific incident they think illustrates their problem just right.
But really, they’re all asking the same question. Namely, how can you turn a toxic relationship into a healthy one?
If this is you, or if you’re not sure if your relationship is toxic or not, check out my guide to toxic relationships and how to fix them
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